Monstrous

Monstrous Books => The Monstrous Library => Topic started by: Ryobi on June 29, 2009, 11:08:09 PM

Title: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on June 29, 2009, 11:08:09 PM

So I haven't written much poetry before but seeing how many other people are able to get into it, I've decided to give it a shot. Note: this won't get updated very often and all the poems will be short because I can't stay with one message for long enough, to actually expand entirely on it.  :-D

Enjoy and critique!

This is one I wrote about the planet Pluto while it was making quite a few major transits in my life. The baby is the symbol of Pluto.

Pluto

In white beds by white walls
a fresh candle flickers
as it rises and as it stalls
and the baby 
turned to its side 
a heart born on a sleeve 
with no place to hide 
and if there's one thing 
it doesn't need 
that's another life to lead 
 
no mother could simply walk by 
for this was a child 
with eyes of stone worn 
against tides of change 
and this child born to die 
was never to wear away 
and the mother transfixed 
with white palms to clear glass 
 
the baby lay still   
fists clenched around thumbs 
at peace, a mask already held well 
yet surmass this small flame 
that holds the one light
through falls 
through triumphs 
births, deaths
and endless lifetimes
the baby reaches to a mother 
whos fingers already burn 

a mind racing, thoughts chafing 
for a detachment   
she will never feel again   
a new life consuming 
old phases exhuming   
stripping, ripping away every why 
grieving it's leaving   
and in it's blaze
a natal love, like that fire 
lapping both their li(v)es away 

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Devinoir on June 30, 2009, 03:38:03 AM

Ryobi you're actually great. That your first try? Fascinated.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on June 30, 2009, 04:15:26 AM

Well thanks, after giving you feedback I thought it was a bit unfair to not practice what I preached.  :-D

Anything I should change mate?

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Devinoir on June 30, 2009, 04:20:18 AM

Rhythm. Make it flow more easily, for the thoughts you express will be far more easily underlined when accompanied by flawless rhythm. Follow inspiration and instincts.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on July 01, 2009, 06:26:36 AM

Okay, flow... The easiest way to create a flow I find, is through the use of rhyme but somehow, this poetry gig seems to flow more easily for me when it's like I'm talking. But disregarding that, here goes with some rhyme.. personally this flows for me.
 :|

the beat of a pulse
in rythm with a mind
bent on patterns and pictures
intertwined and confined

a looping of doubt
beating common sense out
and a last impulse resorts
to throwing '1, 2, 3' about

and the following calm
it soothes the very fire
that gnaws at the hems
of what sanity requires

and the monster that hides
in waiting, desires
to once again leap
and trigger these liars

such is the circle
to act on any demand
to never defy that monster
that offers its guiding hand

and again I can hear
it's just the beat of a pulse
in rythm with a mind
bent on patterns and pictures
intertwined and confined

problem 1 = squishing too many words into one place
problem 2 = running out of ideas!

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Devinoir on July 02, 2009, 03:34:23 AM

Personally I like it. I like your ideas, Ryobi, and your self-criticism.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: lockesk on July 15, 2009, 06:35:09 AM

"and the monster that hides
in waiting, desires
to once again leap
and trigger these liars"
This touched me today. i have been a monster. I am trying very hard to stop .It is kind of hard but then again it is not. I have seen I am a fool. I wish to be a fool no more.I have desires to smoke. I have desires to do a lot of disquisting things. But i want to overcome them.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on July 15, 2009, 11:34:37 PM

Thanks Lockesk and goodluck with your soul searching...

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Devinoir on July 16, 2009, 02:30:39 AM

See, I have no more need to overcome desires, that's why it's hard for me to understand lockesk.
 <:smurf

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on July 16, 2009, 02:53:15 AM

Remembering mistakes and past obstacles is a major part of learning from them. As long as you remember you can empathise and understand, or do you have another equally as efficient method Dev? Or not?

Moonbaby, I guess simple rhyme can tie together a poem in a way, especially if it contributes to the theme. For instance, the poem above rhymes because this emphasises the loop inherent within OCD. In fact, the loop that is OCD  :-D But you're right, sometimes it's just too 'done before' and it feels good to employ a more original and fresh take on words.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Devinoir on July 16, 2009, 02:58:05 AM

The thing is, Ryobi, I have recently found that most of my philosophy was based on lies I once told myself to rid myself of pain the truth might bring.
I have tried to turn to light,
But darkness took me with delight.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on July 16, 2009, 03:50:34 AM

Then maybe it would be useful to remember the lies, for future reference?

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Devinoir on July 16, 2009, 09:19:04 AM

That would be wise for the weaker persons, who lack willpower and strength, but as it is, I'll do it the hard way, the way I always do.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: lockesk on July 16, 2009, 09:22:46 AM

You have no more need to overcome desires? I know i was that way but i seek light. Darkness full of things but they do not really make me feel good.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Devinoir on July 16, 2009, 09:28:00 AM

No, of couse they don't, dear.
Because you still wish to fight them, even when they're the only thing that surrounds you.
Just give in to your darker side, sister. It's so much fun - just letting yourself fall.
No more regrets, no more remorse, only joy, hatred and passion.
If you have lost love the way I have, you will understand.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on August 01, 2009, 06:08:36 AM

I've been working on something a little different to how I normally think:

Remember you are but a Man, Remember you shall Die.

Come closer kids and I’ll tell you a story;
‘Hominem te memento, memento mori’
It's about the earth and its people
Fates governed by a gate
And a sure-footed steeple...

Testosterone chicks with plastic peniss
A quick fix cocktail at the s**t-end
Of a too-short, twig of a stick
Ash in their throats, they just take another hit
Cherries, candied and soothing a lethal mix

Wombs like the meat-works, spurting forth cheap jerks
Web two point oh no, evolution's a no show
From capitalistic coercion sprouted a blooming recession
And in the midst of degradation a new coup de’ corruption…

It was dark kids, because the city walls were rising
Between the shadows, they couldn’t make out the horizon
“It’s not blocked from view, it’s just not there”
No more stars in their pockets
And no one had a spare

You see… their forefathers were feeding, a new kind of evil
Speaking through bloodshed and slander and upheaval
The connections that force made and the bonds it did tie
Left a war that raged on between hired men and past allies

Defeat came in resting, these bloody men just lay down
Who once defended 'true honour' (not theirs to display now)
The most heinous of histories, did didactic become;
à tout le monde memento mori, remained the only lesson.

----------------------------------

It needs a bit of work but I need to keep the central ideas the same, just change around the words a bit, make it more easily understood  :|. It could flow more efficiently as well...

Also needs a title  :wink:

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on August 25, 2009, 12:37:08 AM

This is written because a certain member talking about dark romance, drinking and bitterness inspired me:

Love that burns, the losing flame
And surmass this flame that burns and dies
Why hasten?
Why shie?
Why feed the flame?
Why try the time?
Why fight the fire?
Why take the hit?
And knock love back one
Heat to the heart
Take another shot
And all you’ve got
Is a headache and an ashen throat
To remind you of a flame
That love, like fire
Lapped your night away.

Dev I hope you find a new femme fatale soon...

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Devinoir on August 25, 2009, 09:30:04 PM

Well, there ain't a life without the search, right, Ryobi?
I love the poems. It's great to see someone still writing. I'm sure the first one will match up to the second one if you work on it a little bit..

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on August 31, 2009, 11:27:41 PM

They're about 2 slightly different topics, in fact it mostly relates to the first poem I posted here but I might try to expand on the last one a little anyway.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Kadesh on September 01, 2009, 08:09:38 AM

 I like your stuff, Ryobi. But you guys are right about the rhythm. It's not off by much, but every once in awhile, it makes me stumble. Sometimes, that can be used to your advantage when writing.  :wink:

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Devinoir on September 01, 2009, 05:15:49 PM

Like using pauses?

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Andrea Warfare on September 01, 2009, 07:21:28 PM

Ha has anyone noticed that kad only criticizes?anyway I like critics

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on September 01, 2009, 10:05:09 PM

I know my rhythm can be a little off but I can vouch for the first poem I posted here at least, it's meant to break off at the end of each verse. And if anyone can tell me why I'll love you forever  :-P...

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Kadesh on September 02, 2009, 06:01:44 AM

Quote from: Devinoir on September 01, 2009, 05:15:49 PM

Like using pauses?

 Like breaking up your sentences. Like Shakespeare did. When I first read him when I was younger, I was so confused, but now I understand the dramatic value that you can get from doing that.

Quote from: Andrea Warfare on September 01, 2009, 07:21:28 PM

Ha has anyone noticed that kad only criticizes?anyway I like critics

 That's not all I do. You have to give good with everything or people are just going to think you're an @sshole.  *<:) And I critique because that's what I expect to be done with my poetry. If something doesn't seem right, feel free to tell me. (Other than the fact that a poem may creep you out, lol.) If my meter is off, if I used the wrong tense, point it out. I can only get better by knowing what I've done wrong. But, as I've said for a loooooong time now, It's your poem, your work. If it feels right to you, screw the 'rules' of poetry and write it.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Kadesh on September 02, 2009, 06:08:07 AM

Quote from: Ryobi on September 01, 2009, 10:05:09 PM

I know my rhythm can be a little off but I can vouch for the first poem I posted here at least, it's meant to break off at the end of each verse. And if anyone can tell me why I'll love you forever  :-P...

 Your rhythm doesn't really feel off in that one... there are a couple lines, but they make the poem work. It's going to have to be someone else that comes up with that answer.  :-P

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on September 02, 2009, 02:03:53 PM

Quote from: Kadesh on September 02, 2009, 06:08:07 AM

Quote from: Ryobi on September 01, 2009, 10:05:09 PM

I know my rhythm can be a little off but I can vouch for the first poem I posted here at least, it's meant to break off at the end of each verse. And if anyone can tell me why I'll love you forever  :-P...

 Your rhythm doesn't really feel off in that one... there are a couple lines, but they make the poem work. It's going to have to be someone else that comes up with that answer.  :-P

Not so much love for you then Kadesh  :wink:...

And I'm working on fixing the rhythm but the problem with written word, is that how the other person reads it may be entirely different to how you wished it to be read. That's what makes me such an beginner at poetry, I haven't yet learnt how to make a poem singular in rhythm.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Andrea Warfare on September 02, 2009, 03:34:51 PM

That's right Kadesh."Who writes your rules".Nonetheless,Iappreciate the constructive criticism.

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Kadesh on September 02, 2009, 05:10:32 PM

Quote from: Ryobi on September 02, 2009, 02:03:53 PM

Quote from: Kadesh on September 02, 2009, 06:08:07 AM

Quote from: Ryobi on September 01, 2009, 10:05:09 PM

I know my rhythm can be a little off but I can vouch for the first poem I posted here at least, it's meant to break off at the end of each verse. And if anyone can tell me why I'll love you forever  :-P...

 Your rhythm doesn't really feel off in that one... there are a couple lines, but they make the poem work. It's going to have to be someone else that comes up with that answer.  :-P

Not so much love for you then Kadesh  :wink:...

And I'm working on fixing the rhythm but the problem with written word, is that how the other person reads it may be entirely different to how you wished it to be read. That's what makes me such an beginner at poetry, I haven't yet learnt how to make a poem singular in rhythm.

 Read it aloud to yourself.. or better yet, someone else. You'll pick up things better. Like where you may stumble over a word or phrase. I'm no expert and I've written a LOT of crap, and I learn new things about writing and about myself almost every time I write something. You'd think I'd know more since I've written over 200 poems, lol, but I'm still a dumb@ss at times. And it doesn't have to be singular in rhythm... as long as it works for you. Who gives a shyte what the rules say or anyone else, for that matter. Write for yourself first, and everyone else when you damn well feel like it.  :wink:

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Ryobi on September 14, 2009, 12:48:04 AM

Been having a bit of fun with some things that happen in my dreams  :-P and have been reading way too many kids books...

There are little people on my sheets
they're living around the folds
a little civilisation on my bed
what can I do with them?
for I can't even move...

There are little people on my sheets
an entire little city snug in the little valley of my legs
I could set their little lives around their little ears
With one little sweep, little hearts to little death
Oh! these little, little men!

There are little people on my sheets
they little come, they little go
their little world is this one bed
for I am the little moon
in their little, little sky
what a little life they must little live

There are little people on my sheets
they're living around the folds
a little civilisation on my bed
what can I do with them?
for I can't even move...

-------------------------------------

little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: Kadesh on September 14, 2009, 06:04:13 AM

 I really like that one, Ry! It's whimsical but still has a note of seriousness to it. Very nice. :wink:

Title: Re: Poetry
Post by: KubeSix on September 15, 2009, 11:12:50 AM

Quote from: Ryobi on September 14, 2009, 12:48:04 AM

have been reading way too many kids books...

It would seem so :-P (Or drugs, perhaps? *<:) j/k) But a light-hearted poem's always fun once in a while. Good job!