Monstrous
Monstrous Books => The Monstrous Library => Topic started by: Andrea Warfare on July 28, 2009, 10:57:50 PM
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Ok,this is my first attempt so please bear with me.This is from the perspetive of the average miserable middle-age american...
Living and Dying.
Breathing and Crying.
You say all good things must come to an end.I don't want them to. I don't want to be another tool working for the Man.
It's Corruption.
It's Confinement.
It's Condemning.
Condemned to die in modern day slavery. Does anyone care? No,they show no pity. I need to find another way. Something that offers more than meager pay.The rich get richer and I grow weaker. I'm Breaking my back these binding chains won't give any slack. I tighten these every day with each mistake I make and now its far too late at my age to go back. Why did I listen to what everyone told me?I regret so many opportunities I never took and now I am 40. Why did I honk my carhorn at those kids on the street, they looked so joyful, so free. I've made the same decisions my parents made and now I'm just as unhappy as a heterosexual in a gay parade. I've got two kids and they are now fashioning their binding chains.One day they will grow up to feel my strain. They'll spend their days in front of the television screen. Compliment their wives on the nightly cuisine.They will live out the same pattern I have day after day,work eat sleep fark. work eat sleep fark. work eat sleep fark... and no play in sunny days.They will dig themselves a financial grave and pray to the Lord every sunday the government won't take their house away.Consuming more than the average bear they make up the population of obese americans and ask for another aclaire.They won't pay any attention to the war overseas. They won't think of the innocent being put on their knees. Instead,they pick up the latest zine and gossip about the celebrities."Oh my God, Michael Jackson is dead"! Yet, they won't shed a tear for the children he misled.These binding chains are choking me to death. I am in debt over my head when I die nothing good will be said I was that rude woman in the shopping cart aisle I dint wanna look up and give you a smile now I realize that all I cared for will not go with me in death and I say this to you so you can save yourself while you have the chance.
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WHY WAR?
Why do they have to die?
Why do they not question why?
Why does everyone hate?
Don't they realize we share the same fate?
When will your time come?
Will your life flash before you when staring down the barrel of a gun?
When it does,will you regret the things you've done?
Through these eyes,I've see the love and hate.Laugh and Cry.The truth and lies. The epitomy of our country's demise.We kill eachother like pawns in a game. Enemies of war looked at as a different race.There is a special place in Hell for those who organized this facade.
A lifetime of absorbing knowledge in college yet they regress in a decade.One step forward two steps back. They have their masters degrees and phd's yet feel no passion and attack.
Why can't we live in harmony?
Why is it that all I see is Anarchy?
What is this unholy Treachery?
This is War and we're not free
We may have won the battle but it's a dark stain on our history.
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Free verse, a bit of simple rhyming, plain and nice.
I don't know, I'd say I like it.
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Thanks,I really appreciate you saying so :-)
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Thank you :-D
I've noticed that with the lines all bunche up it doesn't flow as well and isn't very reader-friendly. Thanks for the constructive criticism,I value it. Keep it coming!
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+++++++++++++
Natural Order
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Stormy Waters
Serene Pond
Weeping Willow
Whispering Fawn
Secret Sands
Setting Sun
Evolution undergone
Tadpole to frog
Teradactyl to crane
Forlorn raptor to strike again
Adam and Eve
Anaconda and mouse
Preying Mantis and her mate
The Dominatrix seals his fate
Centipede orange glow
Circling Vultures seen from below
Fearful Mole wrapped in night
Survival of the fittest chose to spite
Amoeba One celled thing
Asexual doesn't need a fling
Amazon consists of a species ring
Circle of Life as in the Lion King
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The first two were my favorite by far, but you're right, they aren't very reader friendly. Try breaking them up and checking for correct punctuation. That will help with it a LOT. Trust me. I've written something before and not been happy with it. Then, after hitting enter a couple times and breaking it up... BAM! Perfect. (to me anyway. Just because someone criticizes or critiques your work, doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with it. A work can be perfect in the artists eyes and complete chaos to the world.)
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Umm actually this shouldn't even be up I requested for it all to be removed.These are the rough drafts they are much more reader friendly,however,I don't want them up for the world to see. Can someone move these as well/delete?Thanx Kadesh
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You made the topic... you can delete it. Just look for the button at the bottom of the page when you're viewing this. And if they aren't supposed to be seen... why did you ask me to have a look in my poetry thread??
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I don't see the button and I don't recall asking you to have a looksee but hey its ok whatever. If you look in the editors room you'll find all the finished works I've done.If ya wanna take a look at my work I'd suggest that you look at the finished products,:-)
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I dont get down here to the library very often, but when I do, I always find something that I like.
Great work Andrea, I like them all, but the first is my favorite, Im not middle aged, but I can defanatly relate to what your saying......real life man...what a bumer.
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Hey Ravinclaw,thanks for sharing :-)
The 1st is my favorite too. Yeah life is a bummer if ya let it suck ya in
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I really like it.
Very deep and yet so simple
I wrote some more if ya wanna give mine a looksee!?! :-)
http://www.monstrous.com/forum/index.php/topic,7751.0.html (http://www.monstrous.com/forum/index.php/topic,7751.0.html)
You asked in my poetry thread when you commented on my poetry. And why is it in the Editor's thread??
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That's where all removed topics end up. That is, when you remove them and then post in them.
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I'm so confused. How can you remove it and then post in it...?? When I removed my previous poetry threads, they were just gone.
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No idea, I was speaking of personal experience.
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Haha yeah they didn't delete em just moved em
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That's so weird. Every time I've deleted a thread, it's just been gone. Deleted, as it says. :|
Mo! What the hell is going on???!!!
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You labeled me at birth the minute I was bornYou labelled me a child another little pawnYou labelled me a kid and sent me off to schoolYou labelled me a pupil another little foolYou labelled me religious and sent me off to massYou labelled me a moron a stupid little assYou labelled me a student a spotty little bratYou labelled me an animal compared me to a ratYou labelled me an adult and sent me out to workYou labelled me a taxpayer an inbercillic burkYou labelled me working class cuz of the job I didYou labelled me middle class cuz I earned an extra quidYou labelled me for long enough so now it's my turnYou labelled me to many things
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I like it... a lot... but what's a 'burk'?
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Burk=jerk
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Your Internet Hell
Save me from my humanity
Save me from my human self
I will submit to computer god
And give myself away to you
Double click for friendship
Double click for love
Salvation is under my palm
Click here for serenity
Double click for security
Bliss was here all along
Blessed with this new giftBestowed onto me
Everything I wantWithin my grasp
Nothing but selfish sacred to me
Click here for power
Click here for sex
Email to make sure I keep all my friends
Double click for comfort
Double click for all
Cyberlord you heard my call
Giving a window for them to look through
Sacrifice privacy all that you do
How you live and what you think
Delete your freedom
Click by farking click
Click here
Click here for all life to fall
Click hereClick here for the enslavement and death of us all
Delete environment
Delete the mindHumans will kill themselves given the time
Cries of "what happened?"
Or did you forget?Your fingerprints are human
And you are a piece of s**t...
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I really like that. It illustrates perfectly how controlled people are by their computers. Great stuff, Andrea! Keep 'em coming.
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Awesome,I really appreciate you saying so especially so positive thank you very much
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Terror
the end of the world will soon be here
look in the sky the missles are near
too late to run its your last chanceyour dead right where you stand
say goodbye to the kids and family you love
theres no escape its death from above
Terror-no ones left to comfort you now
Horror-bodies are lifeless on the ground
War-now who will hear your cries for help
open up your eyes its reality
destroy all mankind is their plan
their lies and greed is what brings us down
stand up and fight keep your ground
evolution to extinction no ones around
we are the victims that have to pay the price!
FROM EVOLUTION TO EXTINCTION WERE THE ONES THAT PAY THE PRICE
WHAT WILL BE LEFT?
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Scum
Why dont you just crawl beneath a rock and die stop trying to grab me in your evil eye I'd be happy to forget you in a day the more you rip me off the more I have to say youre the scum of the earth youre the worst mistake god ever made youre the scum of the earth for whatever its worth youre the one I hate no one but a lawyer could befriend you and even with a million bux their love would not be true I doubt even your mama would defend you when she hears about the endless hell youve put so many through youre the scum of the earth youre the worst mistake god ever made for whatever its worth youre the one I hate...
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I really like that last one. They're a bit hard to read without punctuation, though, but still good stuff.
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Nowhere to Hide
Lock and chain
Bearing down
Chain link fence
Beware of dog
Surveilence camera
Red light blinking
False security and not much thinking
Don't let the kids out to play
For there are perverts who glare all day
Enter your secret code on the tv so they don't experience life
Don't fight in front of them so they don't feel any strife
Coat them in spf 60 so they don't burn
The sun's coming closer and closer there's nowhere to turn
All these things you can take them to the grave
Do you honestly think that you will ultimately be saved?
No.
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Ill Will
Every time I see your face it makes me wanna puke
You are just a waste of space and I can't get rid of you
Your words hold no value
I've heard it all before
You act before you think
I picked you up when you were on the floor
you're a walking contradiction
You speak no truth and hold no conviction
You're still that lost child that I met
Nothing good has come out of crossing paths
So leave me alone
Leave me be
I don't want to hear your false words
Your dead to me
More dead then those buried underground
More dead than the gothic lullaby sound
More dead than the black crow's beak
I have no more words to you I wish to speak
I live quite happily without you pestering
Its new friends and old I have found
They fill that void that was once you
Now you are someone else I could care less because you are still a fool
So,go ahead and walk by please don't speak a word
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For all that comes out is absolutely absurd
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-Its easier to hate than to Love-
Love yourself Lo, you have begun Your lifelong romance. Hate yourself. Lo, you have begun Your lifelong battle. Love God. Lo, you have established Your supremacy on earth. Hate God. Lo, the fool in you has caught The fool you are.
I do not hate the world, Not because I do not know How to hate, But because God does not want me To hate. I love the world, Not because I know how to love, But because God, Out of His boundless Bounty, Loves the world In me, through me and for me...
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Face Yourself
Its Now or never
Face yourself.
No one else will do.
Face your weakness
Face your past.
Let your scars show through.
It's now or never
Don't look back
Just say you're gone,Gone away;Drawn away.
You'll give yourself a heart attack
From all the hate you build inside
You'll stress yourself from the monster you try to hide
So face yourself
Reveal a new you
Face yourself or you're just another tool
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No Way Out
There's no way out
You cannot win
There's no way out for your damning darkness lies within
There's no way out your lies blind your eyes
There's no way out
All you can do is despise
There's no way out
All you can do is cry
So why continue to bury yourself deeper?
Take charge admit your wrongs and you'll move faster than ether
Dig yourself out or dig your own grave
Even deeper
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Off Limits
I will not give into your insanity any more
You have no power over me
I will not let you enter my mind
It is my domain to rule not yours
I will not listen to your lies nor believe them
I will only listen to the truth
I will not waste any more time on you
I choose to live out my youth
Get out of my life you and yours
I don't care about you people what you do when you are bored
Its back to the basics back to me
I don't have any more time for your insanity
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That last one was more of a mantra than a poem...just a lil disclaimer there,lol.
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Are you writing to yourself in those last few poems? Or someone else?
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I'm writing to myself on the last one that I won't give in to certain people's idiocy some for me some for others.
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Poems to yourself are sometimes the best ones. I have some that will probably never see the light of day, but they'll always be with me.
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I agree.I find it difficult at first to fess up about weaknesses/strengths and just talk about one's self blah blah blah but eventually it gets better I suppose as it has for me. I need to think of more ideas!!!!Must Brainstorm! X-@
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No more brainstorming for me tonight. Not unless something miraculously happens while I type the poem I wrote yesterday. lol
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Haha. Which one are you speaking of?
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It's called "And I Pray" ... and I still haven't typed it up. :doh:
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Anti-Adult
Outsider not caring to look within
Parents think I'm living in sin
Labeled freak so easy to be judged
You say I will be damned if I don't repent to above
I don't need your plastic world full of things I won't take in the end
I don't need your way of life constantly worrying what happens next
I look in the mirror and I see someone who's free
I see my reflection and I don't care what they think
I've got nothing to prove to any of you
You think I would give this up for the 9 to 5 then you are a fool
I'd rather stay a child and keep my self respect
If being an adult means being like you
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Immortality
Over centuries men and women have longed to live forever
To hide those crows feet with tonic plumper
Facials and surgery to stay young a little longer
Drink from the very fountain of youth
Sublime everafter cannot be obtained with these strains
I know how to live forever
Laugh and play in the summer rain
Laugh at the simplest things
Feel love and let it shine to the whole world
Feel pain and do not understand how someone can be oh so cruel
Eat and be merry don't worry about those anhorexics on the screen
This is your body
This is you
Don't waste you time here on earth wishing for something that's overdone drool
Smell the sweet aroma of a yellow rose
Run through the grass feel the dewey blades through your toes
High up on the steepest track
Glide down and raise your hands in the air
Have no fear of death
For the afterlife is so much sweeter
Risk it all in a game of chance
What do you really have to lose?
Money? Pieces of paper hold no value once we are six feet under
There is no sense in running like a chicken with your head cut off a money hungry fool
Kiss softly
Kiss wantingly
Don't worry what tomorrow will bring
Love with a blindfold on don't worry about a thing
What is the point of worrying about the consequences?
You are as good as dead for you are not living!
The autumn leaves are coming in
Rust- orange colored sign of change
And yet you stay the same
You didn't grow up because grown ups are so lame
Times change and you grow older on the outside
Within you are a child at heart and you've got nothing to hide
You are immortal and your spirit can never die
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I had a post typed out, but first I want to ask you how honest you want me to be? Can you handle criticism? I'm going to be honest when I tell you what I think, how it's perfect or how it could be improved. Is that what you want?
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Yeah of course I can handle criticism it helps if its constructive that's what I'm looking for. I've posted several so hack away!!!! Thanks I appreciate u taking the time.
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That last one has a great theme.. and the meaning is fabulous. Very true. However, it's difficult to read as it doesn't flow and has no real rhythm. There are places here and there that do, but overall, it doesn't. I think with a couple tweaks, it could be a really great poem.
Hope that wasn't too harsh and was somewhat what you were looking for.
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Oh that wasn't harsh in the slightest bit I was trying to make something that DIDN'T rhyme for once and there were some lines that had to when I was writing it.Ha,I really agree with you there needs much tweaking with the rythym. Thanks! I'm starting to run out of things to write about. I'm going to really focus before I post again.
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I don't think poetry should always rhyme. Mine has lately .... well, just because. I really haven't been trying to. It just happened. And I really don't think you'll ever run out of things to write about. It's in the air you breathe. :wink:
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Haha I dig that.Thanks dude.
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I don't think poetry should always rhyme. Mine has lately .... well, just because. I really haven't been trying to. It just happened. And I really don't think you'll ever run out of things to write about. It's in the air you breathe. :wink:
Your poems, (or at least the few that I've read) are very deep and touching, you're right, poetry isn't always a rhyme, if you make sentences rhyme all the time it's called a rhyme xD
I made some poets in my life, but all in Dutch and most I don't have anymore, who were philosophical and/or deep...
Reading your poems give me a nostaligic feeling and understanding^^
Keep on going what you do^^
If you'dd publish it in a book I would definatly buy it, or at least rent it from the library
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Lex, you quoted me, so I'm going to answer like it was really meant for me, lol.
Thank you. I do consider that quite a compliment. But, I have to wonder... have you only read the ones in Purple Ink & Blank Pages or have you read the ones in One More Time as well? And I will be published.... it's only a matter of time.
If you're still writing, start a thread in the library and post them!! We always love to read new stuff.
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if I ever write one I'll be sure to post them here^^
As for now, I'm writing a fantasy story, though it's completly in Dutch xD
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Well good luck with that!
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I posted what I have on here (other topic though)
1st post is info, 2nd is Dutch version and 3rd post is an english translation, I ran it through google translator
the topic: http://www.monstrous.com/forum/index.php/topic,8839.0.html (http://www.monstrous.com/forum/index.php/topic,8839.0.html)
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Oh,ok...thought you were talking to me,lol.
So lex you have anything to say of my work?
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I say you need to put some backrules in there and send it to a publisher^^ they are very good
They are deep and touching. Keep on writing ^^
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I say you need to put some backrules in there and send it to a publisher^^ they are very good
They are deep and touching. Keep on writing ^^
What do you mean by backrules?
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Euh, putting more new lines, so it reads more easily
Everything in 1 block without 'enters' is hard to read
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Ah.. I see. I'll have to agree with Lex on that one. I just recently went back and changed a few of mine because they didn't read smoothly. Those was poems from years ago, too. lol
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Oh you mean I need to space the lines out?
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Add breaks. Make stanzas. Punctuation would be great too. We can read it as it is, but we may not read it with the emphasis and feeling that you had when you wrote it, without those things.
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mostly, without breaks most people won't bother reading it at all :s
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OK more breaks.
Thanks to you both.Oh man you're going to think I'm a total ass but what is a stanza?
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OK more breaks.
Thanks to you both.Oh man you're going to think I'm a total ass but what is a stanza?
A paragraph :wink: (or strophe)
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Oh,haha I was imagining george kastanza X-D
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Passionate one
Satin skin
Piercing eyes
Devilsh grin
Secret demise
Ebony locks
Wishful sighs
Laughs as he mocks
Thick hairy thighs
He is my lover
I discover under the covers his true desires
Ecstasy
Passion
Layers of red rose petal flowers
My dark romance
A dream of divinity
Deepest thrills
Under another entity
Closer and tighter
Reaching new thrills
Moving so cleverly he shows me his skills
From sobreity to pure heaven in 20 seconds flat
Hot flashes and Cold chills
No need for chasers and pills
No need for cheap thrills
Quite satisfied with my lover still...
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Try to remember you wanted honesty....
I like this poem, I really do. However, the phrase "Thick hairy thighs" completely throws off the rhythm and feel of it. Up to that point, it was beautiful and passionate.. and it continues to be so after that as well. Again, you need to use punctuation and break it up a bit, to make it more reader friendly. I really like it, though.
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Don't forget though, that a masterfully written break can make or break any poem. Sometimes shocking the reader can be a great thing to do. It heightens the emotions, gives them an exclamation mark if you will... IT needs work here, but isn't impossible to render a beautifully written line.
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Oh, I agree completely, but that particular line threw me off to the point that I couldn't focus on the rest of the poem. Endings are more useful for shock... right up front leaves the reader thinking about that and not absorbing anything else. At least, it does simple little me.
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I've learned in class that shock value sweeps the audience in an grabs their attention and hey a man with thick hairy thighs turns me on they are different than mine...
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Hearing that a sheep's vagina is better than a human female's vagina when it comes to sex is shocking too... but it doesn't draw me into one. Poetry is an art because it must be practiced, it must be nurtured, and it is never precise, though gross abuse of it is ghastly in the eyes of the reader.
Have more finesse as you bludgeon your audience, Andrea. If you wish, call it a bit of friendly advice from an already published author.
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Hrm ok didn't realize it was that bad. I was describing a mans thighs is that so disgusting?hrm...
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Is the sheeps vagina recommendation from the horses mouth, or just via the bush telegraph?
And on the subject of horses Andrea, if you like strong muscular hairy thighs that are different from your own, would you get turned on by say a donkey's thighs?
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Hrm ok didn't realize it was that bad. I was describing a mans thighs is that so disgusting?hrm...
It can be to some. The trick is in balancing. Convey your image, your desire, but couch it in such a way that it provokes the same reaction in others.
For example, few women are turned on by the idea of hairy male thighs. In fact, most contemporary women find body hair to be disgusting for some reason. So, instead of relying on a questionable tactic to convey the idea of sensuality that you wish to convey, leave out the hair, and speak in vague and oblique terms about the male sex, and allude to its size being similar to a man's thigh, or thigh bone.
For example:
His sex was as his leg,
Large and muscular,
Veins bulging; it made me beg,
Him to be my Zeus and I his Leta.
That conveys the image, and it arouses (No pun intended) curiosity in the reader, so they go and read up on Leta nad Zeus, and read the story of how Zeus raped Leta after he took the form of a swan. This would be sufficient to both revolt and arouse the reader, and make them remember the poem that made rape a beautiful thing.
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Yeah that does sound more appealing so describe without blatantly saying that part or whatever
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Yeah that does sound more appealing so describe without blatantly saying that part or whatever
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. You really have to identify your audience first, then go from there. Some people are just naturals at this, like myself, others have to really work at it.
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I would just like to state for the record, that I do not find body hair repulsive on my man... It's opposite of me and feels... erhm... ahem.... I likes it. :-D
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I would just like to state for the record, that I do not find body hair repulsive on my man... It's opposite of me and feels... erhm... ahem.... I likes it. :-D
And now we shall see an example of true shock and Awwww:
"In that case... *snail mails Kadesh the remains of last week's body shaving.*
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Oh please... you know you can't gross me out. I've talked to you on the phone waaaaaaaaaaay too many times. *<:) *<:)
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To quote Dr. Frank 'n' Furter; " I didn't make him - FOR YOU!"
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What? *<:) What the hell are you mumbling about?
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Kadesh:" I would just like to state for the record, that I do not find body hair repulsive on my man... It's opposite of me and feels... erhm... ahem.... I likes it. :-D"
Exactly! I do too!
So why so repulsed?
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Because it immediately makes my mind go to some 9000lb woman that hasn't shaved ANYthing on her in yearssssssss.
GROOOOOSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hrm well I put he several times before and after that line if you take a look at it again
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I don't have to look again, I read perfectly well. You wanted to know why it repulsed me and I told you. *<:) I never claimed to make any sense. :-P
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Hrm it repulsed you because you linked the wording with something else even though you like the hair thing too you were still repulsed by the image it gave you.I understand.Cool.
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Yes. And being as abnormal as I am, I highly doubt that anyone 'normal' won't feel the same way.
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:-o"normal" hehe. Well it was the first time I wrote a poem of its kind so kinda "flying blind" here. Thanks for the input.
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Thanks for the input.
No problem-o! You did ask for it. :wink:
*<:)
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Ya for sure I respect what u say :-) It does make sense
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Thanks! And I do try to help... I'm not just saying things to slice it up.
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I'm a bit late with this, but I'd like to add:
the hairy tighs? too much information and too detailed ;)
leave the reader to fill in the line by him/herself.
The part of Moloch makes men see the thighs they think women kick on and the women see the thighs they kick on.
A poem needs some sort of mystery, you need to make the reader participate in the poem by letting their imagination tune in on the text.
Too many details gives them the view all detailed, so their imagination won't be involved...
The same thing goes for stories too.
Like mine: I tell that a talking tree is called a treant. The minds of my readers will see, perhaps, a walking oak, or a walking cherry blossemed tree...
Give them enough info to make the picture, but not enough so they have the whole picture presented.
Other than that I have nothing to add.
Keep writing^^
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The part of Moloch makes men see the thighs they think women kick on and the women see the thighs they kick on.
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What do you mean by "kick on"?? :?
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The part of Moloch makes men see the thighs they think women kick on and the women see the thighs they kick on.
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What do you mean by "kick on"?? :?
not kicking as in a kick with your foot. I guess we only use kick (not in Dutch, but in English) as a turn on or a rush in Belgium and the Netherlands
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We use it similarly in the US, but we use it by itself. lol :wink:
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Ok so need some mystery too descriptive so instead of thick hairy thigh I would say...muscular manhood wrapped in lusting disguise? Ha,something like that?
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Lust isn't much of a disguise... if a guy wants you that way.. it's pretty easy to tell :roll:
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Haha well yeah I know what you mean.
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Burning love
When I feel your touch it sends shivers down my spine
You speak soft whispers into my ear
And brush my hair aside
You plant sweet velvety kisses on my bare neck
They're electrifying and make me feel weak in the back
This love I feel
Is like a fairytale fantasy
Its been six years and doesn't feel like an eternity
We sing songs and dance without a care
We walk hand in hand and don't mind if the people stare
We laugh our drunken laughter bouncing off the walls
We're together all the time so there is no use for a call
As I lay here and look at you in your slumber
You are so very handsome to me
It is your spell that I am under
My love
My dear
My partner in Crime
Your love
Your dear
Your companion for all of time
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Good stuff.. I really like the imagery in this one. One tip, though. Cut out some of your words, if you can. It will help with the flow of the poem. :wink:
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The descriptive ones?
Ha,damn I was thinking of cutting some out as well!
I need to follow my instinct more.Ha,thanks here's another one:
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Hate and War
God is pure.Man is not.It is the reason why the church is corrupt.War and Honor in the name of the Lord.Holy Crusaders,slaughtering many with their crimson sword.What if the "man upstairs" was a she?
Would you feel less adament to pray to thee?
Tattered pages written from biased minds
Its a signal
Its a sign
of the end of time
We just kill eachother off for hate and war
Mars is snickering and gloating as he watches the enemy bleeding on the barren floor
For Glory
For Glory
Pierce thy heart with thy hate
For country
For Honor
Thy will has squandered thee off too late
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The descriptive ones?
Ha,damn I was thinking of cutting some out as well!
I need to follow my instinct more.Ha,thanks here's another one:
Yep... always go with your instincts! And I don't necessarily mean the descriptive words. Just some unnecessary ones... Like this...
Change "Your companion for all of time" to "Your companion for all time"
See? It's very minor, but it helps clean up the poem a bit and make it flow.
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Oh,yes I see what you mean.It does read the way I intended it to.What do you think of the new one?
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I like it, but it has some clarity issues. Too many words to express yourself. One of my favorite writing tools is my thesaurus. It may help you as well.
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Hrm,guess I should get one of those,lol.
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Well here you go!!
http://thesaurus.reference.com/ (http://thesaurus.reference.com/)
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Oh cool that was really helpful,thanks!
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You can tell from the scars on my arms, and the cracks in my hips, and the dents in my car, and the blisters on my lips, that I'm not the carefullest of girls.
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A Glimpse of the
Future
I am the abandoned spawn of invention, suckling at the breast of technology.
In a corporate science fiction sumulacrum, my heritage has been evaporated into a mist I cannot grasp. I am crashing the windshield of reality into the abyss of existencial abandon and political delirium. I see in my video eyes, undocumented souls in a countdown for state execution. I, the reflection of what you want to see in me, the target of your premeditated violence, the model token, the educated alien, The victim of your forked tongue, crucifying demon stretching out my limbs to touch the edge of a world filled with underground racism and political hatred.
My life has no redemption value for your bigotry.
You filthify my existence by making me the axis for your woes.
We, the raw genetic mutation of global assimilation, surviving the ideological chlorine of a brainwash.
We, the catalist, the synthesizers, refusing to isolate our brains from our souls, our hearts, from our genitals, our dreams from the worlds.
We resist fragmentation, deconstruction, alienation.
We the burning montage of memories and dreams living in a cold shadows, shuffling along the crust of civilization.
We have below zero identities, in an apocalyptic countdown.
We mutate, we change, we transform, breathe in and out. Reincarnating from womb to womb, shape by the forces of life, we blink between centuries, photocopying ourselves.
Our presence is an illusion of our sense swimming against the collective stream of conciousness...
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Toast and eggs and back to bed
Shamlock bottle of water by the bed
A sip and let it sit
And this headache won't go away
Creeping from dreams Stardust left and sometimes comets hit
And I'll wake in the crust
And I'll sip for to wake
For to drift for a day till the night
And bounce like a pinball sillhouette
From heart to heart
In the heart-to-heart
Always left off at a cut
Cut off and dripping
Bloodied like a tapestraphic scene
Sunshine tomorrow
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For my friend
Pain fresh in rippling emerald pools of sin,
Dark bruises stain beautiful ivory skin.
Scarlet colored lips tremble in the wake,
Such suffering over one simple mistake!
Tattooed hands holding rosary beads tight,
Broken whispers of hail Mary's though the night.
Burning scented candles perfume the air,
Alone in the reality that no one is there.
Nestled in the darkness of the little room,
Facing the feeling of impending doom,
Four bare walls, just start to close in.
Fear striking a beating heart once again.
Weeping continues, turning to tormenting cries,
A soul once prue, now tarnished by all the lies!
In the womb, a seed, grasps it's certain fate.
Something glorious rising from the ashes of hate!
Nine months later, born into this world,
Was a sleepy blue eyed fragile baby girl.
Mother ashamed, grand mother in denial,
As for the father, he hasn't been seen in a while.
Physical healed but emotional deformed,
Stands a woman that has been scorned.
By an unmerciful man, filled with rage,
The story goes on as time turns the page.
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*pure...damn my typos!
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Wow, Andrea. I really like that one. It's beautiful! It has a few wording issues, that if smoothed out, would make it flow perfectly, but it's still damn good. You can feel the passion in that one. Very good.
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Smoking Candle
The boundary I am bound to
A semblance of diction
Pudding proof and curdled
Slap me with a metaphor
and call it quick
The farking details are going to kill me
All the lights and curves cut to the quick
I'll run my hand along the hip
Caress the skin of this sanctityAnd from afar lay, beyond the gatekeeper
With a grip on my wrist
pulledTangled tugged and intertwined
Utterly relapsing but head above water
Utterly charmed but these eyes aren't cotton candy
If it's you, and yours, and theirs
Then it's ours, and mine as well
And I suppose I can't not try And I'd been there, I've been there
I'm going
gone and back again
And I haven't even left
The splinter cell mythology something for everything
A place for nothing
Facelift battleaxe
Cosmic cataracts
It's a distance unremarkableThat unnoticed bit of universal afterburn
The things you don't notice in your sleep
like the kicks and mumbled rhetoric recorders on and lights flashing
And then they bring the pain
Like a herd of silent monks
Heads bowed, hoods hooked
Masochistic ecstasyCrowd surf the entropy
Coursing through my veins like a thousand volts
Bolts racingTime stamping recognition lost Send a transmission
Eternal solaceVoodoo quietude
Let it be, let it be
Invariably tragic
Let the sun shine once
And here Grafting yourself to honesty
Burn a candle for compromise
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In my dream, I was a fallen beast. I craved to find the victim and instill pain. Demons craved my dark soul. I was slayed. God saved my soul
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Poisonus Prison
From the times that I've killed you and then We can wash down this engagement ring With poison and kerosene We'll laugh as we die And we'll celebrate the end of things With cheap champagne Without, without a sound And I wish you away or If you marry me, Would you bury me? Would you carry me to the end? (So say goodbye) to the vows you take (And say goodbye) to the life you make (And say goodbye) to the heart you break And all the cyanide you drank.
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I like that last one, Andrea.... it has sad undertones, but doesn't drag you down with it. Very nice. Also... it sounds an awful lot like a song rather than a poem....
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Yup.Those are lyrics I wrote
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interesting... i like how the topic of each poem varies , makes each one seem unique , rather than posts on other sites where they just churn out stuff on the same topic. The variaton of rhyme in each poem is nice - i like it , helps to draw attention to parts of the poems - all i all i like it alot , your poems seem to be geniune , which in my opinion makes them powerful.
p.s. - if i seem to be too critical i dont mean it - i too write things , only i dont post them... lets just say i dont think theyre good enough ( i am quite a perfectionist)
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Thanks Lupus.
I REALLY appreciate constructive criticism.
Dish it out man,I'm ready.
I appreciate you taking the time to check out my work.
Rather it be random thoughts coming out of my mind or poetry I work on for months.
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not a problem
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Like I said... Very nice. I really liked that one.