Author Topic: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel  (Read 19501 times)

Sick_Angel13
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Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« on: December 14, 2006, 09:05:41 AM »
Here's a little place where I'll be posting my further works, and I'm still to finish my story, and it need a title as well. Be patiente, please.

For the sake of it, here's a poem when I first started poetry. I founded it while I was cleaning out my drawers, it's been quite some time and I recall writing it on a raining day; the perfect atmosfer for a poetic baby bat. lol
Based on a dream I had, it's rare for me to come up with things like these. The sky has to fall in order to come up with a verse, really.
It's the first ever poem I wrote, I have more all scattered around my files and documents.
I have needed more practice, I know. :-P :lol:



                  Grim Defeat

Broken bones poking through my skin
Smearing handprints of scarlet blood
Reflecting the thoughts I feel within
Decomposing flesh blend with mud

Colors of speed and an invisible charm
Cuts into a scream and morbid face
Echoing silence pulls you from harm
Drags you to a ever more horrid place

No one to listen, no one to care
None to hear my irked screams
Blessing to all people I scare
Granting nights of deadly dreams

The Lord withers and yet to die
Tormented emotion smelt of wit
Crimson rain rains from the sky
Angel tears that taste like s**t.



*silence*

Thank you

~ Sick Angel
« Last Edit: December 19, 2006, 05:48:39 AM by Sick_Angel13 »

Moloch

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Re: Santuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2006, 12:31:34 PM »
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« Last Edit: January 09, 2011, 01:19:17 PM by Moloch »

Sick_Angel13
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Re: Santuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2006, 12:40:50 PM »
:-D I love it, Bravissima!

Really? *blush*
Damn, I'm so embarassed i think I'm going to die again :@0
Thank you, you really made my day.
So for a starters it wasn't THAT bad afterall. *relief*

Sick_Angel13
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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2006, 10:51:54 AM »
Second poem's up! This one came once I finally cutted my heart out with a spoon, took me no time at all. Please reply, I need to know how it is. *puppy eyes*


Comprehension

I dream to have a dream
I wish for the will to scream
I fight to scream at will
Never saw my nightmare so still
I'd scream more than I can slay
I better destroy what I cannot kill
Than die a hundred times a day
If not we could just pretend

If I'm me you'll never know
Every emotion I can't show
...Please ... maybe if ...

I wish I was dead enough to
Forget the ways you loved me
I wish I was dead enough to forget
All the days and nights we met

If I could end my life
If my life could have an end
It's all in my own dark realm
If not we could just pretend

I wish I was human enough to cry
I wish I was alive enough to die
I wish I was good enough to remember
The answers that told me why

If you're you I'll never be
The person you'd be proud to see

... If not we could just pretend...

Moloch

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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2006, 11:41:53 AM »
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« Last Edit: January 09, 2011, 01:19:29 PM by Moloch »

Sick_Angel13
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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2006, 12:18:40 PM »
Thanks, I needed professional opinion so I had to ask you.  :-D

Oh if only I had my band back I could try this one out. T_T

More poems soon to come, brace yourself.

phyrrestar
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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2006, 08:25:27 AM »
I agree about it sounding like a song.  I enjoy the concept as well. Well done!

The only constructive critisism I can give is that you could try to shorten up a few of the lines.  The best poetry(in my opinion) is never wasteful with words, and doesn't "fill in" meter with articles, conjunctions or weak adjectives.  Most of the lines are really great with this, I only noticed it once or twice.  I think the one line that really threw me was:

I wish I was human enough to cry
I wish I was alive enough to die
I wish I was good enough to remember
The answers that told me why

Although this may have been intentional, the "I wish I was good enough to remember" breaks the flow in that stanza.  Both because "good" is a generally weak word, one syllable rather than two, and not very related to remember in most cases, and because "remember" is three syllables rather than one.  I adore the beginning of that stanza, though.  I'm a big fan of parallel form.  :-)

Good work, and take the little bit of critisism (or not) with a grain of salt: I can't write poetry, I just know what types I like best.

Sick_Angel13
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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2006, 10:02:48 AM »
Thank you for your opinion, I need to learn from my mistakes! ^_^ I'm glad you're being honest with me, I just let the words pour out my heart, I need to be more  careful next time. 0:)


Moloch

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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2006, 02:07:49 AM »
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« Last Edit: January 09, 2011, 01:19:39 PM by Moloch »

Sick_Angel13
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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #9 on: December 22, 2006, 04:05:11 AM »
Personally, I'm a fan of things that seem paradoxical or even contradictory. For example, I'd date an abhorrently ugly woman before I would a model. Many of my poems take on things and say tings that when you try to analyze them they confuse you. The genious in mine is only apparent if you know me well. You see, I'm a thinker, not a feeler. I analyze everything, yet my poetry can only be understood by being felt, not thought. Sometimes the art of poetry makes for ugly, discordant work. The discord in this one resonates with the discord in her soul.

There, that's my take on it.

Sorry, I guess I'm a a bit of a thinker and a feeler. More a feeler than a thinker anyways, I read a poem and I feel it even if I don't understand it. The poetry is the things you can do with words - your choice of words and when and what you want the reader to feel or the message you want to send to them, even a code for a puzzle-solvers like us. Believe it or not - it's in the eye of the beholder weather it is beautiful or not, or style or taste. I'm trying out different styles of poetry to see which one suits me.^_^

Remember guys - Life is just one nice big paradox.  :lol: :banplea:

phyrrestar
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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #10 on: December 22, 2006, 06:24:08 AM »
I completely agree with "beauty being in the eye of the beholder" especially with poetry, an expression of one's thoughts and soul.  However, I also believe that there are certain things that make for better poetry simply because they are less wasteful and bring you more directly and more strongly to the person's feelings.  As I said in my critique "this may have been intentional" because often discord is a powerful tool in certain types of poetry.  I just enjoy giving a little advice on how to make images even more powerful in writing far too much. 

Oh, and I completely adore paradox and oxymorons.  The more surreal, the more I enjoy it, usually.

Sick_Angel13
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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #11 on: December 22, 2006, 08:55:09 AM »
Surrealism is good for your spleen. :spy:

Moloch

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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2006, 08:55:47 AM »
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« Last Edit: January 09, 2011, 01:19:56 PM by Moloch »

Sick_Angel13
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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2006, 09:02:26 AM »
:lol: Ever consider a career as a Literary Critic instead?  :banplea:

Who, Phyrrestar? She can do great on Literary critic, you don't even need the abilities to write poetry - but to like it.

(Heaven knows what I'll be doing, I hope they have a job for cemetary caretakers or something. %&$ <^>)

Any career with nightshift is good for me, I feel more alert at nighttime. :mrgreen:

phyrrestar
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Re: Sanctuary of the Sick Angel
« Reply #14 on: December 22, 2006, 10:22:29 AM »
Ha, me a literary critic?  Hardly!  I just have too many friends who have a major in things like Rhetoric, or who just like to write and make me read their stuff.  Besides, I enjoy playing with my computer too much for that.  I mean, sure I know a fair amount about computer languages but not the english language.  :-D