Author Topic: Poetry  (Read 4742 times)

Ryobi

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Poetry
« on: June 29, 2009, 11:08:09 PM »
So I haven't written much poetry before but seeing how many other people are able to get into it, I've decided to give it a shot. Note: this won't get updated very often and all the poems will be short because I can't stay with one message for long enough, to actually expand entirely on it.  :-D

Enjoy and critique!

This is one I wrote about the planet Pluto while it was making quite a few major transits in my life. The baby is the symbol of Pluto.

Pluto

In white beds by white walls
a fresh candle flickers
as it rises and as it stalls
and the baby 
turned to its side 
a heart born on a sleeve 
with no place to hide 
and if there's one thing 
it doesn't need 
that's another life to lead 
 
no mother could simply walk by 
for this was a child 
with eyes of stone worn 
against tides of change 
and this child born to die 
was never to wear away 
and the mother transfixed 
with white palms to clear glass 
 
the baby lay still   
fists clenched around thumbs 
at peace, a mask already held well 
yet surmass this small flame 
that holds the one light
through falls 
through triumphs 
births, deaths
and endless lifetimes
the baby reaches to a mother 
whos fingers already burn 

a mind racing, thoughts chafing 
for a detachment   
she will never feel again   
a new life consuming 
old phases exhuming   
stripping, ripping away every why 
grieving it's leaving   
and in it's blaze
a natal love, like that fire 
lapping both their li(v)es away 
When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

Devinoir

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2009, 03:38:03 AM »
Ryobi you're actually great. That your first try? Fascinated.
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Ryobi

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2009, 04:15:26 AM »
Well thanks, after giving you feedback I thought it was a bit unfair to not practice what I preached.  :-D

Anything I should change mate?
When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

Devinoir

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2009, 04:20:18 AM »
Rhythm. Make it flow more easily, for the thoughts you express will be far more easily underlined when accompanied by flawless rhythm. Follow inspiration and instincts.
There is I in every person,
Only long asleep...

Ryobi

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2009, 06:26:36 AM »
Okay, flow... The easiest way to create a flow I find, is through the use of rhyme but somehow, this poetry gig seems to flow more easily for me when it's like I'm talking. But disregarding that, here goes with some rhyme.. personally this flows for me.
 :|

the beat of a pulse
in rythm with a mind
bent on patterns and pictures
intertwined and confined

a looping of doubt
beating common sense out
and a last impulse resorts
to throwing '1, 2, 3' about

and the following calm
it soothes the very fire
that gnaws at the hems
of what sanity requires

and the monster that hides
in waiting, desires
to once again leap
and trigger these liars

such is the circle
to act on any demand
to never defy that monster
that offers its guiding hand

and again I can hear
it's just the beat of a pulse
in rythm with a mind
bent on patterns and pictures
intertwined and confined

problem 1 = squishing too many words into one place
problem 2 = running out of ideas!
When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

Devinoir

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2009, 03:34:23 AM »
Personally I like it. I like your ideas, Ryobi, and your self-criticism.
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lockesk

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2009, 06:35:09 AM »
"and the monster that hides
in waiting, desires
to once again leap
and trigger these liars"
This touched me today. i have been a monster. I am trying very hard to stop .It is kind of hard but then again it is not. I have seen I am a fool. I wish to be a fool no more.I have desires to smoke. I have desires to do a lot of disquisting things. But i want to overcome them.

Ryobi

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2009, 11:34:37 PM »
Thanks Lockesk and goodluck with your soul searching...
When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

Devinoir

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2009, 02:30:39 AM »
See, I have no more need to overcome desires, that's why it's hard for me to understand lockesk.
 <:smurf
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Ryobi

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2009, 02:53:15 AM »
Remembering mistakes and past obstacles is a major part of learning from them. As long as you remember you can empathise and understand, or do you have another equally as efficient method Dev? Or not?

Moonbaby, I guess simple rhyme can tie together a poem in a way, especially if it contributes to the theme. For instance, the poem above rhymes because this emphasises the loop inherent within OCD. In fact, the loop that is OCD  :-D But you're right, sometimes it's just too 'done before' and it feels good to employ a more original and fresh take on words.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2009, 03:49:04 AM by Ryobi »
When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

Devinoir

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2009, 02:58:05 AM »
The thing is, Ryobi, I have recently found that most of my philosophy was based on lies I once told myself to rid myself of pain the truth might bring.
I have tried to turn to light,
But darkness took me with delight.
There is I in every person,
Only long asleep...

Ryobi

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #11 on: July 16, 2009, 03:50:34 AM »
Then maybe it would be useful to remember the lies, for future reference?
When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

Devinoir

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #12 on: July 16, 2009, 09:19:04 AM »
That would be wise for the weaker persons, who lack willpower and strength, but as it is, I'll do it the hard way, the way I always do.
There is I in every person,
Only long asleep...

lockesk

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #13 on: July 16, 2009, 09:22:46 AM »
You have no more need to overcome desires? I know i was that way but i seek light. Darkness full of things but they do not really make me feel good.

Devinoir

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #14 on: July 16, 2009, 09:28:00 AM »
No, of couse they don't, dear.
Because you still wish to fight them, even when they're the only thing that surrounds you.
Just give in to your darker side, sister. It's so much fun - just letting yourself fall.
No more regrets, no more remorse, only joy, hatred and passion.
If you have lost love the way I have, you will understand.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2009, 09:43:32 AM by Devinoir »
There is I in every person,
Only long asleep...