[Ryobi]

I've been working on something a little different to how I normally think:

Remember you are but a Man, Remember you shall Die.

Come closer kids and I’ll tell you a story;
‘Hominem te memento, memento mori’
It's about the earth and its people
Fates governed by a gate
And a sure-footed steeple...

Testosterone chicks with plastic peniss
A quick fix cocktail at the s**t-end
Of a too-short, twig of a stick
Ash in their throats, they just take another hit
Cherries, candied and soothing a lethal mix

Wombs like the meat-works, spurting forth cheap jerks
Web two point oh no, evolution's a no show
From capitalistic coercion sprouted a blooming recession
And in the midst of degradation a new coup de’ corruption…

It was dark kids, because the city walls were rising
Between the shadows, they couldn’t make out the horizon
“It’s not blocked from view, it’s just not there”
No more stars in their pockets
And no one had a spare

You see… their forefathers were feeding, a new kind of evil
Speaking through bloodshed and slander and upheaval
The connections that force made and the bonds it did tie
Left a war that raged on between hired men and past allies

Defeat came in resting, these bloody men just lay down
Who once defended 'true honour' (not theirs to display now)
The most heinous of histories, did didactic become;
à tout le monde memento mori, remained the only lesson.

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It needs a bit of work but I need to keep the central ideas the same, just change around the words a bit, make it more easily understood  . It could flow more efficiently as well...

Also needs a title 

[Ryobi]

This is written because a certain member talking about dark romance, drinking and bitterness inspired me:

Love that burns, the losing flame
And surmass this flame that burns and dies
Why hasten?
Why shie?
Why feed the flame?
Why try the time?
Why fight the fire?
Why take the hit?
And knock love back one
Heat to the heart
Take another shot
And all you’ve got
Is a headache and an ashen throat
To remind you of a flame
That love, like fire
Lapped your night away.

Dev I hope you find a new femme fatale soon...

[Devinoir]

Well, there ain't a life without the search, right, Ryobi?
I love the poems. It's great to see someone still writing. I'm sure the first one will match up to the second one if you work on it a little bit..

[Ryobi]

They're about 2 slightly different topics, in fact it mostly relates to the first poem I posted here but I might try to expand on the last one a little anyway.

[Kadesh]

 I like your stuff, Ryobi. But you guys are right about the rhythm. It's not off by much, but every once in awhile, it makes me stumble. Sometimes, that can be used to your advantage when writing. 

[Devinoir]

Like using pauses?

[Andrea Warfare]

Ha has anyone noticed that kad only criticizes?anyway I like critics

[Ryobi]

I know my rhythm can be a little off but I can vouch for the first poem I posted here at least, it's meant to break off at the end of each verse. And if anyone can tell me why I'll love you forever  ...

[Kadesh]

Like using pauses?

 Like breaking up your sentences. Like Shakespeare did. When I first read him when I was younger, I was so confused, but now I understand the dramatic value that you can get from doing that.

Ha has anyone noticed that kad only criticizes?anyway I like critics

 That's not all I do. You have to give good with everything or people are just going to think you're an @sshole.  And I critique because that's what I expect to be done with my poetry. If something doesn't seem right, feel free to tell me. (Other than the fact that a poem may creep you out, lol.) If my meter is off, if I used the wrong tense, point it out. I can only get better by knowing what I've done wrong. But, as I've said for a loooooong time now, It's your poem, your work. If it feels right to you, screw the 'rules' of poetry and write it.

[Kadesh]

I know my rhythm can be a little off but I can vouch for the first poem I posted here at least, it's meant to break off at the end of each verse. And if anyone can tell me why I'll love you forever  ...

 Your rhythm doesn't really feel off in that one... there are a couple lines, but they make the poem work. It's going to have to be someone else that comes up with that answer. 

[Ryobi]

I know my rhythm can be a little off but I can vouch for the first poem I posted here at least, it's meant to break off at the end of each verse. And if anyone can tell me why I'll love you forever  ...

 Your rhythm doesn't really feel off in that one... there are a couple lines, but they make the poem work. It's going to have to be someone else that comes up with that answer. 

Not so much love for you then Kadesh  ...

And I'm working on fixing the rhythm but the problem with written word, is that how the other person reads it may be entirely different to how you wished it to be read. That's what makes me such an beginner at poetry, I haven't yet learnt how to make a poem singular in rhythm.

[Andrea Warfare]

That's right Kadesh."Who writes your rules".Nonetheless,Iappreciate the constructive criticism.

[Kadesh]

I know my rhythm can be a little off but I can vouch for the first poem I posted here at least, it's meant to break off at the end of each verse. And if anyone can tell me why I'll love you forever  ...

 Your rhythm doesn't really feel off in that one... there are a couple lines, but they make the poem work. It's going to have to be someone else that comes up with that answer. 

Not so much love for you then Kadesh  ...

And I'm working on fixing the rhythm but the problem with written word, is that how the other person reads it may be entirely different to how you wished it to be read. That's what makes me such an beginner at poetry, I haven't yet learnt how to make a poem singular in rhythm.

 Read it aloud to yourself.. or better yet, someone else. You'll pick up things better. Like where you may stumble over a word or phrase. I'm no expert and I've written a LOT of crap, and I learn new things about writing and about myself almost every time I write something. You'd think I'd know more since I've written over 200 poems, lol, but I'm still a dumb@ss at times. And it doesn't have to be singular in rhythm... as long as it works for you. Who gives a shyte what the rules say or anyone else, for that matter. Write for yourself first, and everyone else when you damn well feel like it. 

[Ryobi]

Been having a bit of fun with some things that happen in my dreams  and have been reading way too many kids books...

There are little people on my sheets
they're living around the folds
a little civilisation on my bed
what can I do with them?
for I can't even move...

There are little people on my sheets
an entire little city snug in the little valley of my legs
I could set their little lives around their little ears
With one little sweep, little hearts to little death
Oh! these little, little men!

There are little people on my sheets
they little come, they little go
their little world is this one bed
for I am the little moon
in their little, little sky
what a little life they must little live

There are little people on my sheets
they're living around the folds
a little civilisation on my bed
what can I do with them?
for I can't even move...

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little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little

[Kadesh]

 I really like that one, Ry! It's whimsical but still has a note of seriousness to it. Very nice.