Author Topic: i write poems when im in a certain mood  (Read 1417 times)

logic for you

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i write poems when im in a certain mood
« on: September 26, 2009, 09:58:05 PM »
i am told by my friends that this is my best poem

    
i hope you know

i am shaky, i cant concentrate, and my mind crashes every time i look at you if i was swimming and i thought of you the next thing i knew was that i was on the bottom of a eight foot pool i may try to act cool but inside i am a wreck your the red light that makes me stop in my tracks and i know i lack but i hope you take me for all i am worth i will be your waiter if you be my guest if you ask i will serve but its not a game i am on a tight rope if you throw me off balance i will fall but there wont be a net to catch me all there is, is the dirt that's thirty feet below i may not compare to guy next to me but i am the better choice i will tell you why if i broke your heart mine would break to if you got hurt i would feel the pain if someone else broke yours i would feel guilty inside the reason why is because i would think that if i was the guy i wouldn't hurt you in fact i would make you hurt me so you wont feel the pain i will take all your burdens and make you forget them i am a friend but i want much more but for now i stay in my place but i hope you know that i am always there to pick you up when you fall and raise you higher when your up although it pains me to stay away but i am afraid that you wont want to hear what i have to say i think that your an idiot for not seeing whats right in your face but that doesn't stop me from staying its just i hope you remember that i am your safety line i will be your space to stay when the winds howl and light strikes the sky when the roads flood and the ground turns to mud you will all ways have a warm place to stay in my heart

plz excuse the poor spelling and punctuation and grammar im to lazy to add it in and i just suck at it
also plz leave feed back i would appreciate it
love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back, guilty of dust and sin.

                                      -- george herbert, "love (III)"

Kadesh

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Re: i write poems when im in a certain mood
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2009, 10:03:33 PM »
 Before I say anything else, I'm going to tell you up front that THIS:

plz excuse the poor spelling and punctuation and grammar im to lazy to add it in and i just suck at it

 Is NOT going to fly with the serious writers on this forum. If you expect us to take you seriously and actually read and give you feedback on your poetry, you need to change your attitude about it.

 That being said.... I started to read the poem, and I'm not saying it's bad writing... but it's not worth trying to add punctuation as I'm reading. Fix it up, and let's try again. :wink:
...The monster in the cage
       Is coming for you...
         9-29-10

Andrea Warfare

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Re: i write poems when im in a certain mood
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2009, 10:43:45 PM »
Dude you just informed us that it is unworthy of reading. I read your little disclaimer there and gave up on it. Either have more self-respect or proof read your work because it turned me off.
We are all unique.You my dear are uniquely non-unique.

logic for you

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Re: i write poems when im in a certain mood
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2009, 10:52:27 PM »
alright i have someone who knows what they are doing with all this proper writing help me out here will re post with better spelling and grammar and punctuation

Dude you just informed us that it is unworthy of reading. I read your little disclaimer there and gave up on it. Either have more self-respect or proof read your work because it turned me off.

umm the self respect thing right there i believe respect is earned and i think i still need to earn for myself if that makes sense to you at all  :-)
love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back, guilty of dust and sin.

                                      -- george herbert, "love (III)"

Andrea Warfare

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Re: i write poems when im in a certain mood
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2009, 11:01:46 PM »
If you respect your work enough to post for all to see you will look it once over so those can see the version it should be in as in which you desire it to be read.You write for yourself and what your audience perceives it to be. So work for both.I only say this for I have made the same mistake.Other than that,I like it.You have a lot of potential.Keep it up dude,good stuff.
We are all unique.You my dear are uniquely non-unique.

Kadesh

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Re: i write poems when im in a certain mood
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2009, 11:04:26 PM »
 I'll check back for that re-post you mentioned, logic. I really would like to read it and give you some feedback.


 Why don't you check out some of the other Monstrous Member authors in the Library and give us some feedback too.  :wink:
...The monster in the cage
       Is coming for you...
         9-29-10

logic for you

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Re: i write poems when im in a certain mood
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2009, 11:10:26 PM »
kk and i seemed to mix two topics my bad didn't mean to merge
love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back, guilty of dust and sin.

                                      -- george herbert, "love (III)"